In the second fake match, I matched with Cape Girardeau 143/143 times. Thatapos;s 100 for the math disabled among you. So unless people change their minds and switch that site to their first choice, that is where I will be for 3rd and 4th year.
Of course, Iapos;m 99.9 on wanting to transfer now. The last two weeks have been particularly rough, and I know it only gets worse as the temperature drops. Itapos;s so frustrating. Most of you knew me as someone who was very active and athletic. Itapos;s ridiculous how difficult it is for me to even get out of bed up here. Last week, my legs decided they did not work anymore. (Itapos;s hard to explain, but basically my calf muscles get really solid and not springy like a muscle is supposed to be.) So at softball, all I could do was pitch and catch. I couldnapos;t move to get an easy pop up ten feet away from me. It was embarrassing....from former star shortstop to this. Also, when I was doing my best to run around the bases, I kept turning my ankles. (Seriously, try running with nonfunctional calf muscles.) At football, the next day, I kept myself out of the game a lot. Iapos;m learning to accept my current limitations and not overdo things. The amount that I will pay physically for something as simple as carrying a bag of cat litter into my apartment is downright depressing. Also, if I donapos;t get 12 hours of sleep a day, I canapos;t function. My body forces this sleep on me, and no alarm clock can bring me out of a sleep my body is not ready to leave. This causes me to miss things, and professors get bitchy. There is nothing I can do about it. There is also the conscious choices I make to miss things that I cannot deal with physically. Ambassadors are required to complete OMT Demo training, but I refuse to do it because it honestly hurts too much to be manipulated by other students. At the most recent ambassador meeting, the coordinator made a big show about there only being one person who hadnapos;t done training yet. Fuck him. Iapos;m not going to do it. I also skipped Thursdayapos;s OTM Lab on cervical HVLA (neck twisting and crunching). This will knock 2 points off my final grade in the class, but if I let someone work on me, I will pay for it for weeks. I also skipped my practical for the same reason. I can remediate it with a fellow without having to be a victim of another studentapos;s rough handling. I can only score a 70 this way, but itapos;s much better than the alternative. The other night, I tried to turn off the light in my room which has one of those twist knobs. My hands decided they didnapos;t work that way anymore. I eventually got frustrated, ripped the cord from the wall, and went to sleep. The NSAIDapos;s I rely on are probably destroying my stomach. My nose wonapos;t stop bleeding. My eyes feel like someone built a sand castle in them. Nothing tastes right. I have to constantly hydrate. I have to deal with people asking if Iapos;m depressed. No. Iapos;m not. Stand still. Iapos;ll run you over with my truck a few times, and then ask you if you are just feeling a little seasonal depression. Iapos;m so tired of people. I am completely isolated because of this. If I go out to a party or whatever, I get "Hey, Andrea, Iapos;m surprised to see you out in the cold." (It was 70 degrees that day.) I wish people could just try to understand. Imagine having the muscle aches of the flu or like after a marathon or whatever every day of your life. Imagine having a sensation similar to a toothache in the joints of your hands, wrists, ankles, etc. Imagine not being able to turn off lights, open child proof and other sealed bottles. Imagine having to stop doing the things you love because your body refuses to cooperate. I am not exaggerating. It is not in my head. And I HATE being this way.
Unfortunately, some people do seem to enjoy debilitating illnesses. I was so frustrated with my unrelenting pain the other day that I started looking up support groups and websites. I hoped people would have tips for dealing with the pain, things to try, and things to avoid, but no. What I found was a bunch of people wallowing in their own self pity. People who live with the pain I do seem to usually choose to go on disability and live off the system. That is not something I could ever do, and I find it absolutely ridiculous that some people do. Do I have limitations? Yes. My hands have forced me to let go of the dream of becoming a surgeon. I canapos;t run or even be outside if itapos;s less than 50 degrees, so that means no more competitive road races or other things for a while. But am I going to quit school, apply for disability, and stay in bed all day? Hell no. People like to be lazy. If I had it in me to be a lazy person, I wouldnapos;t hurt so much. Maybe I should consider it after all? Nah. Iapos;ll just move someplace warm and humid where I can be a functional human being again. That is the plan.
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